a mess.

today i hit rock bottom. i spent the majority of the day crying in front of random people i don't even know. dissolved into tears in the student aid office, student account office, outside of the financial aid building, in the hallway before i got to talk to my professor, and then finally in his office.

it was especially embarrassing when i ran into a classmate and he asked me if i was alright and i wailed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO." I couldn't keep myself together. i'm so lame.

i'm just fed up. i'm tired of everything just not working out. i quit pursuing fashion, i gave up on all my dreams that i had when i was in college, i decided that i wanted to teach after west philly missions, took a heck of a long time to get there, and finally got into grad school (oh my bad, 5th year undergrad. screw you financial aid). and now this? come on.

i know that everything happens for a reason and we learn from everything, but honestly, i'm waiting for everything to come together because i can't seem to figure out the reasons for things. i probably don't make any sense, but whatever. nothing ever does make any sense does it.

jason took me to eat at panera today and while i was digging into my broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl, i looked up and saw two girls posing for a picture and making funny faces. i felt like carrie from sex and the city when she's in france and she stares into the restaurant watching four girls laughing, having a good time. she missed her friends in new york. i miss my youth and not having a care in the world. i miss just being able to laugh with my friends without having this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. i miss it all.

i keep myself happy by looking at pretty pictures. here are some pictures from weheartit that makes me happy.

i really wish i had red hair.

this makes me feel.... i can't even explain. i love this.

these girls look so happy and carefree (and real skinny).

sigh.

i want to go thrifting here. i love this.

i just really like this haha. i don't know why.

sigh.

:)

this picture makes me so happy. i love books. i love grassy fields. the boy looks so peaceful flying his kite.

"I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again."

the end.