project.

so i have found myself a project. while i was moving out of my apartment i noticed that i had an insane amount of clothes. some of these clothes still had tags on them and i bought them ages ago. i got upset looking at everything because it was going to be really hard packing everything and having to lug it back to the burbs. i came back home and unpacked right away. my big closet is packed with clothes right now. the funny thing is, i don't even wear any of my clothes! really! i have my few t-shirts from american apparel, my standard jeans, and my poop colored striped hoodie from aa that i wear ALL THE TIME. it's not even soft anymore. SO! i have decided to try a new project. i mean, it might be a little impossible, but i have to give it a try. i decided to wear everything that is in my closet at least once before i buy another article of clothing. YES. i am fully aware that this is going to be very hard, but i need something (anything!) to keep me occupied. i want to feel accomplished and especially since i have a shopping addiction, i believe that this will be very good for me. it might even help me to grow up a little. :)



i know this sounds really stupid to ask You for help, but i ask that you give me strength and to truly be thankful for what i already have. thank You.

channeling carey mulligan

carey mulligan has to be the cutest girl around town. i mean, not in my town, but every guy (and girl!) can wish. i've seen her first in pride and prejudice as the giggly kind of annoying younger sister named Kitty. i watched some behind the scenes for the movie since i'm obsessed with it (and at the time, keira knightley) and mulligan said that she pretty much followed jena malone's lead since she was more experienced than mulligan at the time. well hell hellllll. look at carey mulligan now! i don't see jena malone being nominated for an oscar anytime soon. and plus, i really don't enjoy jena malone ever since i saw her in a life as a house with hayden christensen. anyway, i added some eye candy pichas since nobody really reads these days anyway. yay!


this was carey mulligan in her pride and prejudice days. kinda ratty looking.


and then she got all cute, dating shia labeouf and all and going to the cannes international film festival together. cute cute freaking cute.


here she is channeling twiggy for wonderland magazine.


bahhh. she's so pretty here. she looks a lot like twiggy in these pictures.


and lastly, she decides to wear this Azzaro gown to the festival at the wall street premiere. UM is she serious? this has to be the cutest and quirkiest dress ever! i can't even. too cute for school. i die for this dress. and i die for carey mulligan.

liar liar pants on fire.

i really don't like it when people look me in the eye and lie straight to my face. especially when a really good friend does it.

sorry for the previous angry-girl post. my bad. i'm over it.


sooooo, MOVING ON! i think i'm gonna start writing posts on what i enjoy. haha, change things up a bit.




i'm really feeling the whole showing your bra and wearing lacey goodness as an every day outfit shenanigans that has been going on lately. i especially like the ones from urban outfitters. but i could probably find something similar in my mama's closet of intimates.


(sorry the picture's small because i'm internet retarded and i can't figure out how to make it bigger. yay.)

mad cute, huh? i like a little bit of lacey lace and some saucy sexiness in my life. i'm gonna dig through my mutha's drawers tomorrow. haha happy mother's day...... to ME!

wasted years.

yeah i'm pretty angry. angry? upset? disappointed? whatever. i'm all of the above. why you may ask? probably because i feel dumb. i feel stupid because of all the years that i invested and apparently wasted with certain people.

since nobody reads this, i'll just say things loud and clear. and if people do read this and this pertains to them, then good for you because you probably wouldn't have even noticed until something like this is thrown into your face. people might think i'm a coward for not maning up and confronting people with the issue, but honestly, it's time for those people to grow up. i've been coming to you guys with specific issues because you are all blind to even notice. so this time, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, i'm not going to bring the problems up. i'll just vent on my blog even though i promised myself that i never would.... but WHATEVER. i'm a rebel. breaking all the rules now. woo. hoo.

it really hurts. it really hurts to know that after two years nobody has even asked me about it. they only know what they see. it hurts to know how much i love, but don't seem to get the same response back. it hurts to see all the time i devoted being washed down the drain. it hurts to hear that everyone says that they won't take sides, but it's clear that sides have been chosen since day one.

it sucks that in a group of all guys, the girl always has to be blamed. it sucks. and i'm just simply tired of it. i wasted time. i wasted years. but i guess God gave us every situation for a reason. i know that He doesn't want me to be angry, but for now, i just want to be. i want to be mad because none of them are understanding.





sighh. God, can i be mad for a few days longer? i know you don't want me to be. i know you want me to forgive. but maybe just a few more days?

confused.

sometimes i wish i wasn't confused all the time. i guess this is a part of being a human being, but it sucks to have to deal with certain issues and things. i know i'm being supah dupah vague, but i don't know what else to say.

i guess.... the grass is always greener on the other side no? there are so many woulda coulda shoulda's in my life that i'm starting to make myself sick. it looks as if i'm stuck on this merry-go-round and i want to get off so bad because i'm getting motion sickness, but lucky me, my feet are glued to its spot. even the great things in my life are starting to blur. it makes me mad because the good things are such GREAT things. things that make me so happy. things that i was always sure of.

you know what's really funny? i'm starting to miss the things that were always bad for me. haha. HAHAHAHAH. lets all laugh at me because i apparently don't have a brain. i think i'm a masochist. i think i like to be sad or something.

and you know who gets hurt through all of this? the people i love. i hurt all the people in my life who are good for me, who love me. dang.

i say this all the time, but i'm just going to say it again. i feel as if i'm just stuck. everyone is passing by me. running past me. and i'm still there, in the same position, in the same spot, struggling to move my feet. i'm trying so hard to grab at my friends, my family, my loved ones, but everyone is slipping past me. it's like a constant whir of people around me, running to their futures and their moments and i'm just standing there watching. i can close my eyes and see it in my mind.







God help me to stop being so selfish. help me to see the greater things in life. help me to grab and cling onto you instead of all the people who are rushing by me. help me to see the good things that you have placed in my life. the good people. the people who love me. help me to stop wanting things that i shouldn't have. help me to wait patiently for you and your answers.

get over it.

i covet things. i want/desire/die for things that i can't have. it's bad. it's a really really bad issue. i do this because i don't have enough money for anything these days. and it really sucks that things have to come down to money. it's always about money-- at least i make everything about money when it doesn't really have to be.

i like to shop. i love it. i love clothes. i like to make myself feel better by purchasing things. and when i can't, i just become naturally depressed. haha. it's ridiculous, but it's the truth. when i watch people buy things that i wish i could have really puts me down. it's always been like that. i've never really had enough money to buy myself nice things. either that, or right when i get a paycheck, i use it ALL on clothes which causes me to suffer afterwards.

what i'm really trying to think about now is that none of this is gonna come with me when i pass. can i take all of my clothes to heaven? no. can i take all of my most precious things up to heaven with me? no. do little malnourished children have the luxury of buying clothes or even food when they need it?? sighh.. this really makes me reevaluate my life. when i get like this, i just really need to remind myself that i've got it a lot better then some people out there and i should be thankful, not angry that i don't have enough money to buy pretty things for myself.



God, i'm sorry for being selfish and ridiculous. i know i'm human, but help me to work on this whole coveting issue. i love you very much.