confused.

sometimes i wish i wasn't confused all the time. i guess this is a part of being a human being, but it sucks to have to deal with certain issues and things. i know i'm being supah dupah vague, but i don't know what else to say.

i guess.... the grass is always greener on the other side no? there are so many woulda coulda shoulda's in my life that i'm starting to make myself sick. it looks as if i'm stuck on this merry-go-round and i want to get off so bad because i'm getting motion sickness, but lucky me, my feet are glued to its spot. even the great things in my life are starting to blur. it makes me mad because the good things are such GREAT things. things that make me so happy. things that i was always sure of.

you know what's really funny? i'm starting to miss the things that were always bad for me. haha. HAHAHAHAH. lets all laugh at me because i apparently don't have a brain. i think i'm a masochist. i think i like to be sad or something.

and you know who gets hurt through all of this? the people i love. i hurt all the people in my life who are good for me, who love me. dang.

i say this all the time, but i'm just going to say it again. i feel as if i'm just stuck. everyone is passing by me. running past me. and i'm still there, in the same position, in the same spot, struggling to move my feet. i'm trying so hard to grab at my friends, my family, my loved ones, but everyone is slipping past me. it's like a constant whir of people around me, running to their futures and their moments and i'm just standing there watching. i can close my eyes and see it in my mind.







God help me to stop being so selfish. help me to see the greater things in life. help me to grab and cling onto you instead of all the people who are rushing by me. help me to see the good things that you have placed in my life. the good people. the people who love me. help me to stop wanting things that i shouldn't have. help me to wait patiently for you and your answers.

get over it.

i covet things. i want/desire/die for things that i can't have. it's bad. it's a really really bad issue. i do this because i don't have enough money for anything these days. and it really sucks that things have to come down to money. it's always about money-- at least i make everything about money when it doesn't really have to be.

i like to shop. i love it. i love clothes. i like to make myself feel better by purchasing things. and when i can't, i just become naturally depressed. haha. it's ridiculous, but it's the truth. when i watch people buy things that i wish i could have really puts me down. it's always been like that. i've never really had enough money to buy myself nice things. either that, or right when i get a paycheck, i use it ALL on clothes which causes me to suffer afterwards.

what i'm really trying to think about now is that none of this is gonna come with me when i pass. can i take all of my clothes to heaven? no. can i take all of my most precious things up to heaven with me? no. do little malnourished children have the luxury of buying clothes or even food when they need it?? sighh.. this really makes me reevaluate my life. when i get like this, i just really need to remind myself that i've got it a lot better then some people out there and i should be thankful, not angry that i don't have enough money to buy pretty things for myself.



God, i'm sorry for being selfish and ridiculous. i know i'm human, but help me to work on this whole coveting issue. i love you very much.

GRAHHHHHHHHH.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS BOTHERING ME LIKE CRUHHHHHRAZZZZZYYYY RIGHT NOW! and i know i shouldn't be feeling like this because this week is PASSION WEEK and i really should be focusing on what God has done for us.. FOR ME. SO WHYYYY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS. grah. BLAH. BLEH. BLECHHH. vomit.


girls are seriously so annoying. SO ANNOYING! i can be so far away from them and they're still annoying! BLAH! i'm annoying too! i have issues! girls have issues! YAY.


i'm sorry jason for blaming everything on you.

i'm sorry God for not trusting in you enough and always getting angry. thank you for loving me. sighhhhh.

lalalaaaa

i wanna sing!

i miss the days when i used to sing a bunch during college. haha, it was only for fun, but i really loved it. i miss it. i miss singing in the car while driving. i don't have a car and i'm living in the city now, so there's no more of that. i miss having somebody play guitar and just singing along. maybe i feel like this because i watched american idol yesterday and today. or maybe it's because my throat is so itchy scratchy and i keep coughing and i wish it would feel better? WHO KNOWS. LALALALAAAAAA.

i wanna sing 'use somebody' while somebody plays guitar. haha. this entry is so random, but i LOVEEEEEEE ITTTTTTT~! sometimes i wish i had a youtube channel where i can just post up videos of me doing covers. but i would privatize those jawns because people would rip me apart. ye ye ye yeah yo. jason bought me a guitar for my 22nd birthday and i don't even use it. sorry my dear. one of the strings popped so i need to replace it. it wasn't one of the nylon strings so i'm essssssited. it can be easily fixed i believe. if i stop being so lazy and just get it done. and then.. i would have to foreal learn how to play. sighh.. too much work. now i'm just rambling. YAYAYAYYYY!

lets singgggggggggggggggggg. pahaha.

and i decided that i'm going to post a really random picture(s) every time i write an entry. so here are my random pictures for the day (or night... or morning.. who knows).


this is at my senior prom HAHA. with sherri and steph. they were some of my favs. wish i talk to them more.


this was WAYYY back in the day. sigh.. haha we were all so happy. i want to be happy like this every day! :D i love these girlllllls. <3 <3

pet peevies.

If you were ever wondering what my pet peeves are....

1. Don't make me out to be stupid. Don't make me feel stupid when I'm not. Don't look at me like I'm stupid when I'm not. ex. I'm all heated up talking about a certain issue that's happening and every one around me looks at me silently only because I speak my mind too much and I might sound a little harsh. Just don't do it.

2. Don't tell me to "calm down" or "chill out" ESPECIALLY when I'm already CALM or CHILL. Even when I'm not calm or chill... just don't do it. It's lammmmeeeeee-o.

Those are my two pet peevie weevies. if you accidentally do any of these two to me, i might go ballistic on youuuuus. :D

jealous??

you should be jealous that you don't have a sister like MY sister.

she's always been the strong one out of all of us. she's played so many essential roles in my life. she has been the mom, the supporter, and the best friend. she speaks only the truth because she loves me (even though it hurts sometimes). she has been the pusher in my life. the person who always pushes me to be better. she deals with and LOVES me when i'm a brat. she gets hurt by me sometimes because i'm insensitive, but she always tells me that she loves me afterwards. to me, my sister feels like home. i'm sitting in her apartment right now, 2am in the morning, and i've only been here a few times. although this place shouldn't feel like home, it's where my sister is and so it will always feel like home to me. i'm lucky to have her. whenever i feel down, i can just remember that i have a sister who everyone is jealous about.


thank you my unnies for loving me and pushing me to memorize bible verses. i loves yous everydays.

for me.

i find it funny.

i find it funny that whenever something goes right in my life, i immediately throw my hands up and profess my undying love to God. when something doesn't go right, i automatically shut myself down and tell God that I'm bitter, angry, pissed, want to punch a baby when it comes to Him. And then something good happens, and then i'm back to OHHHHH I LOVEEEE YOUUUU. it's a cycle. not a good one.

i realized that i need to delight in the Lord always. not only during those good days or good times. ALWAYS. yeah, i find it hard to delight in Him during the worst of times, but honestly, those are the times when i need Him the most. And this delight can't be forced. i need to fully enjoy delighting in the Lord. nam sayin'? I've been trying really hard to do this for the past few weeks and let me just tell ya that it's pretty hard. but if life was meant to be easy, then we wouldn't learn anything right?

also i decided a couple weeks ago that for the rest of lent, that i would give up saying these phrases: "I hate my life" "I hate myself" "I want to kill myself" "I want to die" or anything along those lines. So, if anybody reads this blog, please keep me accountable because for those of you who know me... i say these phrases A LOT.

and this entry is for me. if somebody comes across this blog and doesn't approve of my faith-- too bad. so sad. these are MY thoughts and MY blog. so goodbye to you. :)