Friday, February 19, 2010

it hurts my heart.

when i was younger, i always looked to my parents for approval. everything i did, i did just to see that smile from my mom and dad. i wanted to feel taken care of by them. i wanted to feel loved by them. so it doesn't surprise me that i still seek approval from them in my life choices.

but it hurts my heart. it hurts when it seems like i'm trying so hard and nothing ever seems good enough for them. it hurts me when they yell at me for wasting time getting sick instead of looking for a job. it hurts me when they blame me for getting sick all the time. it's because i'm lazy. it's because i'm too fat. it's because i eat too much or too unhealthy. it's because i don't have a job and no benefits. it's because of me and me and me and me.

most of my friends think they're too much, or that they're just flat out mean. me? i understand where they are coming from. it's not like i'm proud of who i am at this moment. it's not like i do things in my life just to piss my parents off. i want to make them feel proud of me. i want to feel proud of myself.

i know they love me. i know they mean the best. but sometimes it hurts. sometimes it hurts too much.

my foul list.

things that irritate my soul.



anne hathaway.
throwing up.
diarrhea.
pretentious people.
anne hathaway (sorry, i'm in the middle of watching devil wears prada)
not being home when i'm feeling sick.
having to grow up.
awkward situations.
having a stomach virus and having to sit two hours in the stinky chinatown bus.
not being able to see jason as much.
mexican food. UGH.



sorry for being in such a foul mood. it's probably because i'm suffering from eating chipotle and maybe a stomach virus. i freaking hate my weak body and my stupid immune system. and i also hate the fact that i have no health insurance when everything is wrong with my body right now. what i do love is that when i felt super alone throwing up/diarrhea-ing in the bathroom last night, i sobbed and prayed and God made me feel better. This is a really sour entry, but that's probs cause i have diarrhea. woo. hoo.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

and here come the doubts.

money sucks. you know what else sucks? having grandparents and an aunt who live in NYC, who are RICH by the way, and not being able to stay with them because they hate me. they hate me for not taking the high road and becoming a dentist like my sister and probably brother. they hate me for not loving and living and breathing for pharmacy. why am i mentioning this? probably because i just got the position to be an intern for nylon mag (my favorite magazine in the world) and i live in philly and must commute 2 to 3 times a week. i have no money. i have no job. why does this suck even more? probably because my parents are stressed out about money as it is and now i have to be the loser, good-for-nothing daughter who begs for money so that she can apparently go live her dream (which might not even be my dream by the way). I love nylon. i do. do i love nyc? no. do i wish i could rip the nylon headquarters from the ground and place it straight in center city? yeahhh that would be awesome. but guess what? i can't! YIPPEE DOODLE FREAKIN DAY!




when i get like this i always have to remind myself that in a few years, i'll look back on this moment and just laugh at how insignificant this issue really is.

Friday, February 5, 2010

oh wow.

so. i guess you're looking at the next nylon intern. oh man. i don't even know what to feel. haha, i guess this feels unreal. i'm nervous. i'm sweating. my stomach hurts. i gotta work my a$$ off. yeah. this means i'll see jason a lot less, but i know this is the perfect stepping stone for me. oh man. NYLON HERE I COME.



thank you God. sorry for having doubts. in this moment, let me just be happy and THANK YOU.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

my support system.

today was definitely one of the best and worst days of my life in the real world.

the bad: i slept at an ungodly hour when i knew i had to be up by 6:15am. the last time i woke up at 6am was probably when i was still in high school. actually, no. i definitely woke up around that time in my senior year at penn state hoping that i could cram in some last minute studying. why did i sleep so late? probably because i was so nervous to the point where every pore on my body began to sweat. my eyes were as big as saucers and i couldn't stop blubbering to my over night guest, soo lee. i talked about anything and everything so that soo would stay up with me. i'm horrible i know, but she's a good friend so she fought the sleep in her eyes to keep me company.

things started to fill my mind. is this still what i want? is this still what i truly desire? is being in nyc something that i still dream of?

i woke up around 6:15am and immediately felt like projectile vomiting. i didn't want to go to the dreaded interview. i didn't want any of it anymore. i threw up a couple times-- scratch that. make that SEVERAL times. i was one more toilet bowl full of bile away from throwing up my hands and calling it all off. dream? what dream. i'd rather stay home and sleep. i saw how excited soo was for me so i knew that i needed to just suck it up and go. i needed to grow up.

after dragging my heavy feet and feeling oh so nauseous, we finally made it to the nj transit. i almost upchucked in a plastic bag, but thankfully made it to penn station.


the good: i wouldn't have gone through this without the support of a friend. encouraging words were incessantly flowing out of soo's mouth making me feel like i could get through this day. i've never felt so nervous before. but then again, i've never dreamed that i would get such an amazing chance to get this interview. shivering like a madman, we made it to the building in soho. we looked around and saw jill stuart, anna sui, and many more top designers. i think i pretty much resembled a rotting fish that died of chemical poisoning at that moment. a thick sheen of sweat was plastered on my forehead, making my bangs look damp and frumpy. i was positively a disgusting shade of green with my chalky white lips as the cherry on top. with a little HOO HAH and an encouraging YOU CAN DO IT! i disappeared into the heavy wooden doors wishing to leave it all and run to topshop to find soo. but no. i decided to grow up, slip on my heels, and press that terrible number 6 in the elevator.

it went really well :D


the bad: my day went from throwing up to coming out of the interview feeling confident and excited. we walked and walked and talked and talked. we went to korea town and got food. we even got pinkberry. we even got to penn station early, feeling relaxed and comfortable. we talked a bunch on the train back. we climbed into my mom's honda pilot all smiles. i climbed out of that stupid green pilot all frowns. that car ride ended any happiness that happened today. hearing my dad call me up into the loft so that we can talk ended any happiness that happened today. it was like my parents reached into my chest and yanked my heart out. or maybe it felt like all the happiness that i will ever feel in this life was being sucked out of me. i cried. i hated everything. i hated jobs. money. dreams. life. i especially hated myself.


the good: i realize that i have so many people on my side. i have so many people cheering for me on the sidelines. although it might not necessarily be my parents, i have so many great people in my life. my sister. my brother. my FRIENDS. my lovely, lovely friends. my JASON! my dear, dear jason. God gave me my own cheerleading team. God gave me strength through soo in nyc. God gave me strength talking to my sister and jason on the phone. God gave me strength through all of the thoughtful and encouraging facebook messages/wall posts. God continues to cheer for me and maybe my parents don't understand me. maybe they think lowly of me. maybe they want the best for me. maybe they're disappointed in me. but i know they love me.

and whether i get this internship or not, my cheer buddies will always be by my side no matter what happens. and this is probably why the good definitely trumps the bad of this tiring, stressful, and enlightening day.


the only three pictures i took this day.


this was in the crazy nice bathroom with the crazy nice water bowl sinks after my interview.


this is my fug self eating froyo. apparently you're not allowed to take pictures in pinkberry, but we decided to live life a little.


soo. i couldn't have done this without you. really. thanks for coming with me. thanks for dealing with me being a nervous wreck. lets hold hands.

Monday, February 1, 2010

a bunch of maybes.

i don't understand why we all have to grow up. why can't things just stay the same? why does everything have to be about money, jobs, and the future? why can't i just marry jason without jobs or money?

i know the answer so please don't say anything. it was rhetorical. i just wish there was a world where nothing like that really mattered. i could just hold jason's hand and we'd fly over buildings, clouds, and birds just like peter pan. or i could own my own wand... hmm... 11 and a half inches, phoenix feather, and dragon heartstring (i totally made that up). i would use that wand to become an auror with jason-- actually nothing too dangerous-- i would use that wand to create a dress robe store and i would definitely put madam malkin's robes for all occasions to shame. OR even better! we could live in the shire in our cool looking house with a round, wooden door, smoking our pipes outside on rocking chairs. we could own a farm and grow our own vegetables and milk our own cows.


why am i thinking about all of these fairy tales? maybe it's because i have a huge interview tomorrow located in new york city with a company that i would DIEEEEE to work for, or atleast i used to think so. magazine publishing. it's the reason why i majored in english and chose an emphasis in publishing. now i'm in the real world. what do i really want? what does God really want. do i still want to chase my dreams and get lost in the infamous concrete jungle? do i still have the same dreams? i don't know. i'm stressed. i'm lost. i'm confused.


i just want to grow old and fat(not so much) with jason and be happy.

maybe i need to grow up. maybe i need to toughen up. maybe i need to stop thinking so much. maybe maybe maybe.