it hurts my heart.

when i was younger, i always looked to my parents for approval. everything i did, i did just to see that smile from my mom and dad. i wanted to feel taken care of by them. i wanted to feel loved by them. so it doesn't surprise me that i still seek approval from them in my life choices.

but it hurts my heart. it hurts when it seems like i'm trying so hard and nothing ever seems good enough for them. it hurts me when they yell at me for wasting time getting sick instead of looking for a job. it hurts me when they blame me for getting sick all the time. it's because i'm lazy. it's because i'm too fat. it's because i eat too much or too unhealthy. it's because i don't have a job and no benefits. it's because of me and me and me and me.

most of my friends think they're too much, or that they're just flat out mean. me? i understand where they are coming from. it's not like i'm proud of who i am at this moment. it's not like i do things in my life just to piss my parents off. i want to make them feel proud of me. i want to feel proud of myself.

i know they love me. i know they mean the best. but sometimes it hurts. sometimes it hurts too much.