the bad: i slept at an ungodly hour when i knew i had to be up by 6:15am. the last time i woke up at 6am was probably when i was still in high school. actually, no. i definitely woke up around that time in my senior year at penn state hoping that i could cram in some last minute studying. why did i sleep so late? probably because i was so nervous to the point where every pore on my body began to sweat. my eyes were as big as saucers and i couldn't stop blubbering to my over night guest, soo lee. i talked about anything and everything so that soo would stay up with me. i'm horrible i know, but she's a good friend so she fought the sleep in her eyes to keep me company.
things started to fill my mind. is this still what i want? is this still what i truly desire? is being in nyc something that i still dream of?
i woke up around 6:15am and immediately felt like projectile vomiting. i didn't want to go to the dreaded interview. i didn't want any of it anymore. i threw up a couple times-- scratch that. make that SEVERAL times. i was one more toilet bowl full of bile away from throwing up my hands and calling it all off. dream? what dream. i'd rather stay home and sleep. i saw how excited soo was for me so i knew that i needed to just suck it up and go. i needed to grow up.
after dragging my heavy feet and feeling oh so nauseous, we finally made it to the nj transit. i almost upchucked in a plastic bag, but thankfully made it to penn station.
the good: i wouldn't have gone through this without the support of a friend. encouraging words were incessantly flowing out of soo's mouth making me feel like i could get through this day. i've never felt so nervous before. but then again, i've never dreamed that i would get such an amazing chance to get this interview. shivering like a madman, we made it to the building in soho. we looked around and saw jill stuart, anna sui, and many more top designers. i think i pretty much resembled a rotting fish that died of chemical poisoning at that moment. a thick sheen of sweat was plastered on my forehead, making my bangs look damp and frumpy. i was positively a disgusting shade of green with my chalky white lips as the cherry on top. with a little HOO HAH and an encouraging YOU CAN DO IT! i disappeared into the heavy wooden doors wishing to leave it all and run to topshop to find soo. but no. i decided to grow up, slip on my heels, and press that terrible number 6 in the elevator.
it went really well :D
the bad: my day went from throwing up to coming out of the interview feeling confident and excited. we walked and walked and talked and talked. we went to korea town and got food. we even got pinkberry. we even got to penn station early, feeling relaxed and comfortable. we talked a bunch on the train back. we climbed into my mom's honda pilot all smiles. i climbed out of that stupid green pilot all frowns. that car ride ended any happiness that happened today. hearing my dad call me up into the loft so that we can talk ended any happiness that happened today. it was like my parents reached into my chest and yanked my heart out. or maybe it felt like all the happiness that i will ever feel in this life was being sucked out of me. i cried. i hated everything. i hated jobs. money. dreams. life. i especially hated myself.
the good: i realize that i have so many people on my side. i have so many people cheering for me on the sidelines. although it might not necessarily be my parents, i have so many great people in my life. my sister. my brother. my FRIENDS. my lovely, lovely friends. my JASON! my dear, dear jason. God gave me my own cheerleading team. God gave me strength through soo in nyc. God gave me strength talking to my sister and jason on the phone. God gave me strength through all of the thoughtful and encouraging facebook messages/wall posts. God continues to cheer for me and maybe my parents don't understand me. maybe they think lowly of me. maybe they want the best for me. maybe they're disappointed in me. but i know they love me.
and whether i get this internship or not, my cheer buddies will always be by my side no matter what happens. and this is probably why the good definitely trumps the bad of this tiring, stressful, and enlightening day.
the only three pictures i took this day.
this was in the crazy nice bathroom with the crazy nice water bowl sinks after my interview.
this is my fug self eating froyo. apparently you're not allowed to take pictures in pinkberry, but we decided to live life a little.
soo. i couldn't have done this without you. really. thanks for coming with me. thanks for dealing with me being a nervous wreck. lets hold hands.
2 comments:
how long have you been keeping a bloggggg boooooooo my feeds are ALWAYS empty except the occasional time dan chun, dave koh, and heewon update. oh, if you follow this link, it's only to a picture blog, i moved to wordpress
lets hold hands forever and ever. HAHAHAH =)
i love you sunnnnnnnieeeee!!!!!!!! <3
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